Joy

Today I was hungry, like I tend to frequently be, and I decided that I would actually make myself something… low and behold my culinary expertise;

I may have worked in a restaurant for several months but I still seem to burn and mutilate my food… alas, I am condemed to burnt grilled cheese and tomato soup from a microwaveable package.

One of my highlights of going to my Chemistry Class is either to hear some ridiculous comment made by my crazy teacher or to see him explode something. This is the lone reason I sit at the front of class, some think it is because I want to see or hear his lecture… really it’s because I’m secretly waiting for the day that it goes wrong and I can claim I was front and center… Anyways… Today he started to get out his “equipment” (matches, flammables, and gunpowder cotton) and I remembered… “I have a video camera on my phone!!!” Hooray for modern technology.

But unfortunately my day did not end with such a magnificent show… I’ve been trekking to and from work and classes all day, I haven’t been home and, remember, I’m really tired. I just got out of my SI for Chemistry when I realized I needed to “use the facilities” I saw the bathrooms and headed straight for them, opened the door and nearly made it to the stall before realizing I had just entered an occupied men’s restroom… needless to say I was EXTREMELY embarrassed and retreated as quickly as possible…

In my low excitement life one of my daily pleasures is walking through the gross smelling TSC (Taggart Student Center) to casually pass by the transparent mail boxes just to see if by chance someone’s mailed me something. This ritual usually ends as I see there is once again nothing there.

Today was one of those days I look forward to, I had a little white enevelope in my box. Hastily I ripped open the top (not really even bothering to look who it was from) and pulled out the contents. I have to say… I was not expecting it. In my hands was a policy in my name for Life Insurance.

Okay, yes I’m a responsible young adult but honestly… what 18 has a life insurance plan… oh wait, me. I could not wait to tell my roommates about this quirky phenomenon. They found it amusing and I signed and postaged the letter.

It took only one little white envelope to make me realize… I’m old.

After some deliberation I have come to the conclusion that I have lived a charmed life. Going through high school all my friends complained about siblings hogging the bathroom, taking the car, tattle-tailing, messing up their room. I, however, never had such problems. Oh yes I was this problem at one time in my life and to this day am still trying to make it up to my older siblings, but quite honestly I had a very personal and uninhibited adolescent life.

Now I am in college and it is a different story entirely; the horrendous lack of privacy, the mysteriously missing leftovers, the disgusting bathroom that rarely stays clean. This is vastly different from the past four years of my life.

So on Sunday in a dire attempt to seek some peace I went for a walk to find somewhere to kneel down and pray about some more concerning things in my life. Nevertheless there was no place to seek refuge. I could not find so much as a secluded corner in the walking radius of my apartment in which I could converse with my God. While aimlessly walking around I was also deliberating the problems I am facing; the lack of financial stability, having no idea what I want to do with my life, not knowing if I should even be at Utah State. With these pressing matters and a desire to find somewhere to pray swirling tumultuously in my head I was surprised to find myself staring at the door to a Catholic church. As soon as this knowledge clicked into place I donned a major epiphany… I will become a nun. Though Catholicism is not my denomination of choice I suddenly came to the conclusion that I would spend my life in its practice. I would no longer need to continuing acquiring debt for a degree I haven’t even decided upon yet, there would be no worry of my living quarters, clothing, food, job stability, I could completely bypass the obnoxious Mormon dating scene and the dejection that comes along with it, but most importantly by devoting my life to the worship and emulation of God and His Son I must be getting some sort of heavenly brownie points.

Yes, all of this happened to flood my mind simultaneously.

No, I am not going to take a vow of celibacy.

and Yes, this was due to my lack of sleep and nutrients.

All in all the real thing I learned while sitting in that Catholic church, considering nunnery, is that it doesn’t take some secluded corner of the world to make it possible for me to pray and it isn’t necessary for me to know the stability of the rest of my life.

All in this crazy messed up world that matters is how hard I’m trying.

So coming from me the fact that I changed my hair may not be a surprise…. But I did.

Yes I cut nearly eight inches off at length.

Aside from another drastic hair change I also am trying to actually figure out why I am at Utah State. Other than the knowledge that I am going to gain a degree, I got nothin’. I have been contemplating many different roads and career paths… I don’t like any of them. To be completely honest at this exact moment in time I am attending school just to prevent my entrance into normal working class society. Not the best reason but hey, it is what it is.

Right now I am considering and taking suggestions. My interests lie in Nutrion Science and Physical Science (for a possible career in optimum athletic training… ie. Olympic Athletes). I also cannot deviate from my love of music and need to progress in my vocal talent that God has given me. Not a whole lot you say? Well here’s the bugger; I also want to minor or double minor in French and Spanish. (Spanish if I absolutely had to choose). I’ve called the advisers, none of which believe it is possible that I can do anything besides their major. “*fill major here* is much too hard, it requires far too much to be a double major.” I’m starting to think that all majors believe themselves to be too intricate and complex. Well I’m here to abolish that idea. I also spent some time frantically (don’t really understand why I was frantic) scanning the Utah State webpage of Student Services. After many misled visits I made it to the Academic Student Services…. where they proceeded to tell me that none of the Student Services can help me with the problem I face…. Great. He did however give me all the numbers of the five, count ‘em five, advisers I need to consult. I let you know how it goes.

This new “spunky” haircut has given me this almost alter ego that believes I can do anything… this could be great, or horrible. Not quite sure yet.

In my ridiculous three hour chem lab we had to do a bunch of “dangerous” mixtures. Pretty much the first few were variations of Na and H20…. aka salt water. Later we mixed Hydrogen Chloride and Magnesium Phosphate which was pretty cool, I felt like a real chemist with my dorky goggles and a fuming blue test tube in my hand.  However other than just noticing the reactions of theses chemicals with our eyes we were supposed to notice the odor. No one else was willing to stuff there nose anywhere near a mysterious test tube so naturally, I volunteered. *Note: this is what volunteering will get you* I went to “sniff” the mixture and couldn’t smell anything but according to our instructions there was supposed to be something to smell. So I proceeded to inch it closer to my face and take a “snuff” instead… well low and behold I flippin’ snuffed Sulfiric Acid…. Needless to say I was coughing for a few minutes and had to get a couple drinks. Now I sit here slightly miffed and with a smaller brain cell count.

To those who say I never learn; I beg to differ in one instance…

My senior year of high school while all my friends were taking the bare minimum of classes, just skiving off till graduation, I was take 9 classes in seven periods, involved in over ten clubs and two sports, while working two jobs. I burned out fast but kept going. I found the capacity at which I can function and the performance I put out at the caliber. Yes, I completed everything and yes, I didn’t have everything work out perfectly but I wouldn’t do anything different. Now here comes my lesson learned; I do not need to over burden myself.

What I mean is, at the beginning of this semester I was signed up for 21 credits and attempting to find a job… the makings for a stress filled semester that would no doubt end up in another bought of mediocrity induced depression. After a harsh sickness my first week of school and a long though out decision, I decided. I decided that I am only human and instead of trying to be amazing and falling into mediocrity I was going to emphasize the things I am good at.  I would still be amazing but at a lesser cost, my well being. I am down to 13 credits; the bare minimum to be a full time student on the financial plateau. The difference though between me and my friends their senior year is the fact that I am still working hard. The classes I’m taking are very hard and I’m still studying hard.

Here’s the best part though. It’s friday night and I am done with all of my homework, all of it, all I could quite literally possibly do. I’m even two chapters ahead in my reading. I aced my first Chemistry quiz and only missed one on the second quiz. I am unstressed and loving college, how I always imagined it would be. Yes I intend to take more credits in the future, especially since I plan to double major or minor in music, but as for right now for once I am letting myself be. I’m making myself chill out and I can’t express how nice it is.

Week one of the college experience…. was awesome.

I have a massive bruise on my leg from table surfing onto a Luv Sac.

I went on a Sky Coaster on Saturday, nearly peed myself.

Bonded with my awesome roomies

I love it, a lot.

P.S. We are cool and have brand spankin’ new micro suede couches lol. We win.

Tonight I say good bye not only to my best friend Anne but to Blanding and the last two years of my life. I had no idea why God saw it fit to move me here my junior year, I did not know my purpose for coming. Now at the end of two years, my job is done, I have done what God sent me here to do.

I will miss this town, my friends but another chapter is opening and my life goes on. I have never felt such a sense of peace about a move but I know that now is the time and Logan is the place. I hope I will return to this peculiar little place and that I can keep in touch with those around me now. I want to reiterate my appreciation to God for knowing what I did not and sending me a blessing I didn’t know to ask for.

As for my college experience I know it will be hard but rewarding and fun but chaotic. I am looking forward with a new perspective and a goal in mind. At this moment I couldn’t be more content. Money’s tight, school’s looking threatening, and I’m leaving amazing people behind; but I know there is a new conquest, a new journey I must embark on and it leaves tomorrow in a friend’s lumina.

Sometimes I find myself questioning God. Why are there mesquitos? What’s the purpose of hair? Why did three loving men and fathers have to die?

This morning around 7:00 am my boss and former counselor in the bishopric, my sunday school teacher, and a close ward member died in a plane crash.

http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=3962997

I cannot believe it, yesterday we were joking around at work. We stuck a pickle to Brian’s head, now he’s gone leaving his wife and four kids to run a business on their own.

A few sundays ago, Kim was giving our lesson, his mispelled writing strewn over the chalk board.

Watching Eric set his oldest daughter apart as second counselor in the beehives.

I not only grieve for my loss but for the significantly larger loss of their families.

Brian:

Suzie

Bree

Brock

Ellie

Gracie

Kim:

Debbie

Eric

Tiffany

Ashley

Cory

Greg

Eric:

Denise

Kortney

Devin

Tanner

Adriana

At work today I kept expecting to see his grin poking through the window in the door or to hear his jubliant laugh, I didn’t.